SOUTH PAW

It's 7:21 in the pm on Friday night and I just stabbed myself with a needle and am bleeding all over the place and don't know what to do. Nah, I'm just pullin' your chain, joshin' with you, yankin' your josh.... hmmm, that last one's ambiguously gay, like the ambiguously gay duo, which was an awesome SNL cartoon. Anyway, what I actually did was poke the tip of my finger with a lancet pen, squeeze some blood out of it, and place the sample on a test strip inserted into my glucometer and wait five seconds. My blood sugar was 99!! 99 is an awesome number for a Diabetic because the normal amount of BS swimming through my veins should be in between 80-140. Kudos to me! All the alcohol and drugs don't have shit on me....
Anyway, I was looking at the tips of my fingers on my right hand and noticed a significant amount of scar tissue and badly closed needle pricks on all but the thumb. When I turned to my left-hand, all the fingers were in pristine condition, except for the callouses, which I can thank my fretboard for. This little discovery, while not a huge deal by any means, made me realize that I've been absent-mindedly only using my right hand to stab with needles for the past twelve years and that I should probably start pricking my left hand if I want to have any fingers on my right by the time i'm forty. Stupid fucking Diabetes and worthless pancreas making me feel like shit-balls everyday.
Anyway, The point is that being left-handed never really crosses my mind unless some kind of incident like this occurs. It's kinda nuts because when I'm sitting in class and everyone is writing notes, it never crosses my mind to look at who's using which hand. Also, most people don't care, but it's weird to think that being left-handed used to be a sign of retardedness, or that it was the Devil's hand. I'm sure Hitler would have chopped it off or incinerated me if I lived in 1940s Germany, and that's not even considering that I have a disease and am adopted HA. Seriously, historically speaking, King George IV of England was forced to change his writing hand as a child and ended up developing dyslexia and stuttering. No SHIT. Us left-handers even have a holiday on August 13th that celebrates our RIGHT to be LEFTY.
While I actually have a train of thought, here's some other random facts about the south paw:
When a lefty doodles or draws cartoons while he's supposed to be taking notes or paying attention, the figures are drawn facing right (mostly). Also, leftys's eyes adjust more readily to seeing underwater. Our best sports are tennis, baseball, swimming, and fencing, but I have no idea why (it's probably better hand-eye coordination or something). Oh yeah, and we reach puberty about five months after normal dudes. We also are wired to the right side of our brain, which means we're more creative and artistic. We're also the best at having sex...(i made that one up).
In case you noticed earlier that I said my left-hand had callouses from the fretboard on my guitar, then you'd realize that I actually play the guitar right-handed. But, in my defense, I bat, field, and throw lefty in baseball, dribble lefty in basketball because I literally suck balls at dribbling righty, I write lefty, hold the phone lefty, smoke lefty, and drink lefty. The only thing I do right-handed is play guitar and that's because the guy told me when I was 14 that it didn't matter to have a left-handed guitar if I've never played before. So HA, oh yeah I also jack off righty, I just can't do it left, nope not even a switch hitter.
Man, I can't stop listening to Banner Pilot's Collapser; it's so badass. Anyway, I have to go read the Wide Sargasso Sea and then try to find something to do on a Friday Night. This normally shouldnt be a problem, but since I live with my parents, have a busted car, and not much money, it's a little tougher these days. BALLS.